Matchmaker
by Anglerfish
Summary: Sasuke tries to get Naruto and Sakura together. Naruto is completely clueless, as usual, and manages to ruin everything...but maybe Sasuke doesn't really mind. SasuNaru fluff. Oneshot


Sasuke was getting seriously fed up. Sakura had been following him around all day, and when he finally just went home, she somehow managed to push her way inside before he could shut the door. It wasn't like he could bodily remove her (although at that point, he was very tempted), so they were sitting at the kitchen table while she chattered and he stared out the window.

That was when he got an idea. It was, in his opinion, the most brilliant idea he'd ever had in his life. All he had to do was find someone else for Sakura—and who else but Naruto? If she had a boyfriend, she'd stop stalking Sasuke. If Naruto had a girlfriend, he'd be less lonely and (hopefully) less obnoxious. Besides, it would make him happy—and as much as Sasuke didn't like to admit it, that would make him happy, too. After all, they were friends (well, sort of).

Luckily, Naruto already adored Sakura. All Sasuke had to do was get her to adore him. Which, admittedly, might not be so easy—but Sasuke was determined to do it.

"You know what I think?" he said abruptly, interrupting Sakura mid-sentence.

"What?" she asked eagerly, clearly not minding his rudeness. (Sasuke got the feeling that he could have sucked noodles up his nose while wearing a lady's bathing suit, and she would've thought that was perfectly okay.)

"I think what you need…" Sasuke let his eyes smolder at her (it was a technique he'd perfected by practicing in front of a mirror, and he knew exactly how gorgeous he looked when he did it). "…is a man in your life, Sakura."

She made a little squeaking noise, and her cheeks turned pink. "R-really?"

"Yes, I do." He leaned toward her across the table, and she leaned even closer to him. "And do you know who I think that man should be?"

Sakura looked almost unbearably excited. "Who?"

Sasuke smiled. "Naruto."

"_Naruto?_" The horrified look on her face was almost funny. "I—well, I…I don't—"

He held up one hand. "Wait a minute. Hear me out, okay?"

"Okay…"

"He really cares about you, Sakura. He really, really does. And you barely even look at him. I think the two of you could have something amazing—if you would just give him a chance."

Sasuke wasn't sure if the words coming out of his mouth made him want to throw up or start laughing—either way, they were ridiculous. He was groping wildly for something, anything, to say that would convince Sakura. The fact that he was her precious Sasuke gave him an advantage—instead of beating him up, she was chewing her bottom lip and looking like she was having a hard time believing him.

"Well, Sasuke, it's very nice of us to think of us like that…very nice…but the fact is, I'm not really sure that…well, you see…" She paused, looking like she was at a loss for words. After a moment, she added flirtatiously, "Anyway, I've got my eye on someone else."

"That's too bad," Sasuke said firmly, hoping she got the message that he absolutely, positively, never-ever-ever, not-in-a-million-years would be interested in her. "Will you think about what I said, though?" He leaned even closer to her, causing her to look as if she were having a heart attack.

"Sure, Sasuke," Sakura said breathlessly. "Whatever you say."

"Good. Well, I've got to go. See you, Sakura."

"See you…"

Sasuke quickly got up and left. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea to leave a fangirl alone in his house (he would almost certainly find his clothing and blankets stolen—anything he'd worn or slept on would be considered precious), but right then, she was in too much of a lovesick daze to follow him. And anyway, he had work to do. It was time to talk to Naruto.

——

"Hey, Sasuke! What're you doing here?"

"Can I come in?" Sasuke asked. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Sure!" Naruto opened the front door wider, and Sasuke followed him inside. Naruto flopped onto a chair, and Sasuke sat across from him. "So, what's up?"

Sasuke hesitated, unsure of what to say. He could tell Sakura exactly what to do and she'd at least consider doing it, because of her adoration for him, but Naruto did not adore Sasuke in any way, shape, or form. Their relationship could be best described as love/hate, except there wasn't really that much love. If Sasuke told Naruto to do anything, he would be much more inclined to do the exact opposite. So what Sasuke had to do was hint delicately that Sakura was in love with Naruto, and hope that Naruto was smart enough to get it (unlikely).

"Well…" Sasuke paused and looked down. "I thought you might want to know something."

"Yeah? What is it?"

"I think that maybe…well…it's possible that someone…is interested in you…as something more than a friend—if you know what I mean." Sasuke looked up to meet Naruto's eyes, hoping he'd used the correct amount of uncertainty. He knew that if he said, "Sakura's in love with you—go ask her out," Naruto would suspect him of some ulterior motive.

Naruto looked surprised. "You mean—someone _likes_ me? Really? Who?"

"A friend of yours," Sasuke said carefully. "Someone who's very close to you. This person really, _really _likes you, but is…afraid you don't feel the same way, because of the way you act sometimes."

Hopefully, Naruto would think something like this: Sakura had confessed her love for Naruto to Sasuke, who, wanting to help them, was trying to get them together. If Naruto stopped being obnoxious and started being nice, then Sakura would know he felt the same way, and it would be happily ever after for the two of them.

If it really worked out that way (and Sasuke was determined that it would), it would be happily ever after for him, too, because he would finally be rid of his most persistent stalker.

Sasuke could practically see the gears clicking in Naruto's head. After a moment, his cheeks reddened slightly, and he said, "Oh." He'd clearly reached the correct conclusion.

"I have to go." Sasuke got up and headed for the door. "You'll think about what I said, won't you?"

"Yeah…" Naruto said slowly. "Yeah, I will."

"Great. Well, bye."

"Bye." Naruto looked almost as dazed as Sakura had.

——

"HIIIIIII, SASUKE!"

Naruto came racing toward him and skidded to a stop, grinning enormously.

"Hi," Sasuke muttered, wondering why he was so enthusiastic.

Sakura glanced at Sasuke, then forced a smile. "Good morning, Naruto." Her left eye twitched.

"Oh, hi, Sakura. Hey, Sasuke! Guess what! Guess what!"

"What?" Sasuke asked distractedly. He could tell that something had gone wrong with his plan, but he wasn't sure what. For some reason, Naruto had barely glanced at Sakura. Wasn't he in love with her? And now that Sasuke had told him that she loved him back, shouldn't he be overjoyed?

Oh, well. Sasuke shrugged it off. Naruto had always been strange. The plan was working just fine. It had to be.

"They have a new flavor of ramen at Ichiraku! And it's supposed to be really-really-really-really-really-really good! I'm going to get some tonight! You wanna come with me?"

"Uh, sure."

Naruto proceeded to chatter steadily at Sasuke for the entire three hours that they waited for Kakashi, covering the subjects of clouds, squirrels, the sun, hiking, the beach, and leg warmers. Several times, Sakura attempted to engage Naruto in conversation (while throwing meaningful looks in Sasuke's direction), but he almost completely ignored her. She seemed to find this insulting, and finally just sat in sulky silence while Sasuke wondered what the heck was going on.

Things got even weirder when Kakashi finally showed up and training began. Naruto jumped out of a tree onto an unsuspecting Sasuke and managed to pin him to the ground, and Sasuke naturally expected taunts.

Naruto jumped off him right away and held out his hand to help him up. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, Sasuke! Are you okay?"

Sasuke took Naruto's hand and stood, feeling very disconcerted. What was with Naruto, anyway?

"I'm fine," he muttered, and Naruto beamed at him. After a moment, Sasuke noticed that Naruto was still holding his hand, and pulled away quickly—even though it had really felt sort of nice.

Finally, Sasuke realized that Naruto hadn't understood. He must have thought that Sasuke had been referring to someone other than Sakura—although who that might be, Sasuke had no idea. All he knew was that Naruto hadn't looked at Sakura once, and that she was getting tired of being nice to him. Sasuke decided to make it a bit more obvious.

When they took a break for lunch, Sasuke ran home and got out a piece of blank paper and a pen. Carefully disguising his handwriting, he wrote a short note.

_My dearest Naruto,_

_I love you. Maybe I don't always act like it, but that's just because I'm shy. I think—I hope—that you love me, too. If you do, please give me some sign. My heart is breaking without you._

_—S_

Sasuke took a moment to admire it. That had to penetrate Naruto's thick skull, even if nothing else would. After all, who else could "S" be but Sakura? It was perfect.

He folded it carefully, put it in his pocket, and hurried back to training. During a sparring match with Naruto, he managed to quickly slip it into Naruto's pocket. Now his plan would work for sure.

When training was over, Naruto put a hand on Sasuke's arm before he could leave.

"What?" Sasuke asked shortly. He wanted to get home so he could come up with the next step of his plan.

"We're meeting at Ichiraku, right?" Naruto said, grinning eagerly.

"Oh, right," Sasuke said absently. He really liked it when Naruto smiled like that.

"Does five-thirty sound good?"

"Yeah. That's fine."

"Great! See you!" Naruto gave Sasuke's arm a light squeeze, then went bounding away.

_What the heck?_

——

Sometimes, it seemed like everything bad happened to Sasuke.

Nobody else he knew ever dropped a knife in the garabge disposal by accident, and then turned the garabge disposal on, and then ended up with a clogged sink because of the twisted pieces of metal, and _then_ was also late for something because of that. He turned the garabge disposal off and swore loudly.

The kitchen door opened, and Lee stuck his head in. "Sasuke, are you all right? I could hear you yelling from outside, and you did not exactly sound very happy."

Sasuke sighed. "I'm fine."

"Oh, good. I was just going to get some ramen with Sakura—would you like to come?"

"Can't right now. Sorry." Sasuke gestured at the clogged sink, then suddenly got an idea. "Could you do something for me?"

"Certainly. What is it?"

"I was going to meet Naruto at Ichiraku, but now I'm going to be late—could you tell him that I'm still coming, I just got delayed because of my stupid garbage disposal?"

"Of course," Lee said.

"Thanks." Sasuke gave him a brief smile, then turned back to the garbage disposal, which was clearly out to get him.

——

When Sasuke finally got to Ichiraku (half an hour late, because of that stupid garbage disposal that was always chewing up knives _on purpose_), Naruto was waiting for him at a table outside. He already had five empty bowls in front of him. A full bowl was waiting for Sasuke.

"How much do I owe you?" he asked, sitting down across from Naruto and reaching for his wallet.

"It's my treat." Naruto smiled at him.

"Thanks. Sorry I was late."

"Don't worry about it." Naruto hesitated, his cheeks turning pink, then added, "I, uh….I got your message."

Sasuke didn't know what he meant at first, then realized that Naruto was talking about the message he'd sent with Lee. But why would that make him blush like that? (Sasuke noticed that Naruto looked sort of cute when he was blushing.)

"I never guessed…"

Sasuke considered that and nodded. Naruto could hardly have guessed that he had a long-standing feud with his garbage disposal. "Yeah. I guess it's kind of unlikely."

"I'm glad you told me," Naruto said.

Sasuke shrugged, wondering what the big deal with the message was. Why were they still talking about it? "Well, I thought you should know."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

Sasuke frowned. He suddenly felt like he was missing something.

"I mean," Naruto continued, "I've been wishing for this ever since we first met…"

"Wait, what?" Sasuke interrupted, very confused. "I don't think we're talking about the same thing here."

Naruto looked puzzled. "We're talking about the note you gave me today, aren't we?"

Before Sasuke could ask what the heck he was talking about, Naruto pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and put it on the table. It was the note Sasuke had written and given to him earlier—the one that was supposed to be from Sakura.

And that was when everything made sense. Naruto, that absolute _moron_, never understand _anything_. Everything that Sasuke had said to him—the note that had been signed only "S"—Naruto was so completely clueless, it wasn't even funny. He thought, he actually thought, that it was _Sasuke_ who was in love with him.

"I was so happy when I read your note," Naruto said earnestly, his eyes shining, and then he leaned over, cupped Sasuke's face in his hands, and kissed him.

Before Sasuke could push him away (which he really did mean to do), an image suddenly appeared clearly in his mind. It was of Naruto and Sakura together, him kissing her just like he was kissing Sasuke right now, but it was no longer something he wanted to happen. Instead, it filled him with jealousy so strong that he did something he definitely did _not_ mean to do—he wrapped his arms possessively around Naruto's neck and kissed him back.

When they broke apart, Naruto smiled at him, then looked confused. "Wait. We _were_ talking about the note you gave me, right?"

"No, you idiot," Sasuke replied, without even thinking about it. "That note was from Sakura."

Naruto stared at him. "_What?_"

"Never mind," Sasuke said, and kissed him again.


End file.
